my people. . .

get yourselves together, I thought that we had this

KILL THE SLAVE MENTALITY =]

That is all thanks.

Eff It, Lets begin again.

So Im at work not really doing shit so let's begin.
Hello world. =]

So recently my grandfather passed away on January 11th, 2010 and my house is just NOT the same. For everyone that knew and sent your love thank you it was greatly appreciated. For those that ddnt know him and still sent love thank you also! For those that always came to the house and saw him at the door or outside... It's weird him not being there isnt it? UGH!

Death itself is such a fucking tragidy and can take a real toll on the soul of a living person.
My grandmother and I have been kind of distant yet "growing closer" I think... But there is
still some distance between us. Anyway.. she has these random rambled where she goes off
into a story about the 27-30 odd years their relationship has been on and off the good the bad
and the UGLY!! But she asked me what my opinion on death was and this was all i could think
at the time;

I think that there is some kind of higher power. I call him God cause that is what my enviornment
taught me to recognize him as.. Im not sure what heaven is or if there really is one. I for damn sure
don't believe in hell, personally. Death is a scary situation and now that it has happened to someone
so close to me, its different. I dont know where he is, but I believe his "spirit" is still somewhere among
us... [ thats really all I could think of ]

Then she shot back with... What is heaven, is it something man made up and we're so used to believing that there is one? And if there is a heaven how big is it? Just think of ALL the people that have died... Can heaven really hold that many people? Why did he fight for so long to come back, for 2 weeks he held on and then just died. What is  a spirit? Is it a ghostly figure we see in the movies, I just want to know where is he? What is he doing, what is he thinking, where is his mind, where are his thoughts?

After hearing all of that is when i just became silent. I dont know all these answers, I dont know what really to believe. I didnt know how to respond to anything she was asking. It all just rushed out of her mouth faster than she could blink... I still try to make sense of what some of these things are and what they mean and Ive asked soo many people what they believe or what they think they are suppose to know about their personal experience or the bible. I personally am at a serious loss. I just think i need time to deal. She also told me the reason that people sometimes mourn longer than others is because some people are unwilling to accept the change. The fact that he was a "habit" like We are so used to seeing him and we have a habit of always expecting him to be at home and ask him what is he doing, etc. etc.

I don;t know. Like I said things are just a blur and its already been 4 weeks. I understand that he's dead... I'm not sure if I have accepted it yet. So Im asking just for opinons. Good bad or indifferent. =]

F.I.n

If you havent noticed.

For those of you who follow this, follow my other photography
blog. http://www.lookatrenayslens.blogspot.com/, I try and post as much
as I can on both blogs. I've been neglecting this one a bit, but
sometimes uploading pictures is a little easier than writing how
or what Im thinking half the time. But I will be back soon. So if you
can and want to check out the other blog. I definitely have some
pretty interesting shit to talk and share about and vice versa
shoot me some opinions ya know! Life's no fun when everyone
feels the same.! But thats that. Like I said I WILL BE BACK SOON.

I may just return tonight with some shit thats been on my mind for a while
Im a controversial subject. And I will admit I sometimes tend to contradict
myself, but it only means that im learning. SO moral: I'm back.

BUCKLE UP! =]

Suggestions on shit to talk about that sometimes you dont know how to express.
Let ME KNOW. email me

helloimrenay@gmail.com ---> and feel free to book a photo shoot if you need one,!

DAMN!

its been a minute since I updated this JAWN!

shit I mean I been doing shit, this blog is mainly
about the shit that goes on in my head, and boy do I
have some shit to share with you all. But later.
Im wrapped up in a situation right now.

Will be back to update soon =]

A letter of forgiveness: End my Time

Newest shit i wrote. Feel free to critique. Its in its editing form

Good morning sun.
Bring about the chirp of the early birds
that rise in the morning
to your blinding rays
To those that begin the day
ready to catch the worm.
Breakfast.
So quick to leave and fly about
Never really settling to enjoy life long enough
in one place.
Glide through the air.

“Khristine Renay E....”
Shame she calls the last initial
To a name I no longer want.
Nor need. An absent dad. Fathers stay.
Oh that’s mom calling from below.
It seems I’m “needed” now
I complete the table.
The room I stand in is done,
Everything in place
I Walked out.
White upon Red left at the foot of the bed.
Hearts at the end.

Clock ticks while I tock beginning at the step
Raveling down about the staircase.
So smooth the texture of the rail.
Only noticed today the detail of it all
man made, carved by fragile hands,
The work Sweat and Time it took
for it to be perfected.
Not human-like... Perfection
If only....
“Coming Mom,”

What a grand place of such sorrow.
This kitchen holds memories of forever
when I was younger.
Family, one unit.
Thanksgiving
Christmas Dinners
Birthdays
Days for no reasons
Days for reasons.
Like this one
A day of reason....

The day begins.
Outside the air; light and crisp
Streets; filed cars in no particular order
Public transportation; The recession way, personalities of those
never seen before. Smiles.
People; Babies, so delicate
Having yet to learn their own struggles of life.
Precious mammal of pure.
Only able to look at the world.
Little do they know,
Life;s a bitch.
That’s why they began to cry at the start.

A day out. Owed to myself from long ago.
Taking all in.
Life around me
Moving as it always has in a new light
The sun,
warm, pressed against my darkening
Light skin.
Rays kissing my face.
Light sweat beads.
Wind,
swaying past removing the
beads that have attached themselves to me
Gentle
simply passing through as wind does.
The day, My day, just like that.
Enjoy the simple things in life...

Finally,
The moon.
Full, glowing, shinning through my window
Window open,
Sharing the empty space I stand in
with the wind.
The only thing that seems to make me feel like apart of anything
Not enough.
Unseen, Invisible.
I am wind...

Falling to the ground.
A new wind appears.
White wind, blow out a match to see.
Powder against the wind
The wind that helps fill this empty space
Where I stand.
Gun Powder.
Fall to the ground.
A body.
“KHRISTINE RENAY EASTERWOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Shame she calls the last name
To a name I no longer want.
Nor need. An absent girl. Daughters stay.
Oh that’s mom calling from below.
It seems I’m “needed” now
I complete the house.
Splashes of red against white
White upon Red left at the foot of the bed.
“ I apologize for the wrong I’ve caused. I love you”
Hearts at the end.

That’s what the white note Red
Left at the foot of the bed.
Hearts at the End.
Love Always,
K.R.E.

A new one. Yet to be continued joint.

Title: The Realization of the Equation

He once asked:

Where do you want your cuts?
Spoken words of unsaid silence
My heart spoke for me
And blurted a loud with hesitation.

"Right here, let me be the first to go
so that she may not have pain like this again.
And when you do, make sure you go about it the right way.
Then I shall tell you what it feels like when I'm dead."

Unconscious within my own thoughts
Paralyzed from the chest down
I stood open...
Ready for the carving.
My heart asks that it be done
in such a way that a hole be cut out
in the center of it.
But a hole big enough for a finger.
Not any finger, but the middle

Finger slid through hole he ripped my heart out
bare chest for the world to see what shame I have
done to myself
Head held high with pride
It was thrown into the sky
Past the heavens
So that no matter how high every god that reached for it
It is intangible. ..

This last part still isnt sitting right with me just yet
there is still some adding and editing to do.

Definitely

Will be updating sooooon sooon soon. My apologies for the lagging
and lack of communication through my views. Shits hectic

NEW SHIT COMING SOON