Eff It, Lets begin again.

So Im at work not really doing shit so let's begin.
Hello world. =]

So recently my grandfather passed away on January 11th, 2010 and my house is just NOT the same. For everyone that knew and sent your love thank you it was greatly appreciated. For those that ddnt know him and still sent love thank you also! For those that always came to the house and saw him at the door or outside... It's weird him not being there isnt it? UGH!

Death itself is such a fucking tragidy and can take a real toll on the soul of a living person.
My grandmother and I have been kind of distant yet "growing closer" I think... But there is
still some distance between us. Anyway.. she has these random rambled where she goes off
into a story about the 27-30 odd years their relationship has been on and off the good the bad
and the UGLY!! But she asked me what my opinion on death was and this was all i could think
at the time;

I think that there is some kind of higher power. I call him God cause that is what my enviornment
taught me to recognize him as.. Im not sure what heaven is or if there really is one. I for damn sure
don't believe in hell, personally. Death is a scary situation and now that it has happened to someone
so close to me, its different. I dont know where he is, but I believe his "spirit" is still somewhere among
us... [ thats really all I could think of ]

Then she shot back with... What is heaven, is it something man made up and we're so used to believing that there is one? And if there is a heaven how big is it? Just think of ALL the people that have died... Can heaven really hold that many people? Why did he fight for so long to come back, for 2 weeks he held on and then just died. What is  a spirit? Is it a ghostly figure we see in the movies, I just want to know where is he? What is he doing, what is he thinking, where is his mind, where are his thoughts?

After hearing all of that is when i just became silent. I dont know all these answers, I dont know what really to believe. I didnt know how to respond to anything she was asking. It all just rushed out of her mouth faster than she could blink... I still try to make sense of what some of these things are and what they mean and Ive asked soo many people what they believe or what they think they are suppose to know about their personal experience or the bible. I personally am at a serious loss. I just think i need time to deal. She also told me the reason that people sometimes mourn longer than others is because some people are unwilling to accept the change. The fact that he was a "habit" like We are so used to seeing him and we have a habit of always expecting him to be at home and ask him what is he doing, etc. etc.

I don;t know. Like I said things are just a blur and its already been 4 weeks. I understand that he's dead... I'm not sure if I have accepted it yet. So Im asking just for opinons. Good bad or indifferent. =]

F.I.n