self doubt...

About a month ago

my grandmother and I got into yet another argument and they dont 

usually bother me so much, but she struck a serious nerve and she

repeatedly stated

" That's why no one believes in you. Me nor your mom, you're going to be 21 still

depending on us for support and we're not going to do it. You're a horrible

daughter and granddaughter and a bitch. And I mean it I am not taking it

back."

its already bad enough I have a lack of confidence in myself as it is already

but to hear that from someone who has been there your whole life to see what

you are capable of and even though me and my mother arent speaking i know

she still loves me, but I second guess myself all the time when I hear what my 

grandmother really feels about me. She's told me this more than once but for some

reason it hasnt ever really hit me as hard as it did this particular day. She knows

how wicked her tongue can be and when she apologizes she never fails to mention 

that. But even the apology she gave weeks after this being said couldn't have gone

in one ear and out the other as immediately as it had when she gave it.

I have a hard time with myself and I know this, and when I show up at practice

my tone changes and EVERYONE can see it. Especially my jazz teacher Sherman

Stewart. He stays on top of everything that I do in his class and makes sure I put

my all into it and he noticed the change in my tone and pulled me aside in class 

and gave me a much needed hug of reassurance. To let me know that I am someone

and worth everything I am and do.

I'm just at a true loss with myself and need to find some way to put everything back

together again. . .